I once heard a story of an older woman disparaging a younger woman whose marriage was struggling, “You thought marriage would be easy.” Not a very empathetic response. But the story got me thinking: Why is the assumption that marriage is hard so prevalent? And what does it even mean?
My takeaway, as a single, was that married couples inevitably fight. They are different and, therefore, they hurt each other. Men withdraw and go to their man cave. Women crave connection and nag their man to be more present. They always have tension over something.
At the same time, I remember feeling confused. But marriage will be wonderful! It will be the best thing that ever happens to me! I can’t wait for my dreams to come true! The idea of marriage being hard flew in the face of my girlhood dreams.
Which was it? I probably couldn’t know until I experienced marriage myself. But in my 30s, a girlfriend who married a widower told me once that they’d never fought. For the first time, the notion of marriage and interpersonal conflict going hand in hand was challenged.
But what determines if someone gets a “not hard” marriage, if such things truly exist? Sadly, just by looking at the divorce rate, we know most marriages are hard. Is it the luck of the draw, like winning the lottery? Super rare but exhilarating?
Thinking about the concept now, after 6.5 years of marriage, the mystery is gone for me. One of my biggest epiphanies after I got married was: It’s not about marriage at all; it’s about who you’re married to! Marriage could be wonderful or terrible. Hard or easy. Happy or sad. It all depends on who you are and who your spouse is.
When marriages are hard, it’s not because the institution of marriage is hard. Rather, something else (usually the people involved, if the marriage involves interpersonal conflict) are making the marriage hard.
Marriage Is Neutral
Based on what I now understand, marriage itself isn’t hard. But neither is it a fairy tale. Both overgeneralizations are untrue. Rather, I believe it’s more accurate to say that marriage is neutral.
Saying “Marriage is hard” is kind of like saying “School is hard.” School is just school. It could be hard or easy. It depends on who’s involved and what kind of school it is. Are we talking about a student with a learning disability or one who’s a genius. Does the student have amazing teachers or mediocre ones? Is this elementary school or medical school?
Yet imagining that “Marriage will be the best thing that ever happens to me” is also problematic. Ironically, marriage being the best thing that ever happens to someone is probably only possible for those who don’t think marriage will be the best thing that ever happens to them.
In other words, I had that dream because I was looking for marriage to solve something it isn’t designed to fix. When we try to use marriage for purposes beyond its capability, we end up with an unhealthy marriage, and those certainly are hard.
At 45, having experienced decades of singleness and also a wonderful marriage, I would say the best thing that ever happened to me was finding my value and identity in Christ. That solved all the problems I was planning on using marriage to fix and transformed me into a completely different person. As a byproduct, it also positioned me to meet and marry an excellent, godly husband.
My Experience
I was very curious, during our short engagement, what life would be like once my husband and I got married. Would we fight? Would it be bliss?
We got married later in life at 39 and 43. The Lord did a lot of healing work in us before we met. We were completely different people when we married than we would have been ten or twenty years earlier.
For my husband’s part, he came through alcoholism and severe burns before we met. The Lord transformed his life, shifted his priorities, and taught him selflessness and servant-heartedness through a ministry he worked with for several years.
For my part, the Lord led me down a long but fruitful path of healing and surrender. Early on, I longed for marriage to convince me that I was loveable. But eventually, the Lord convinced me of that himself, filling in all my gaps and healing all my wounds.
The work God did in both of us before we met ended up paving the way for a harmonious, low-conflict marriage that neither one of us would describe as “hard.”
If anything, marriage has made my life easier. Some of the hardest parts about singleness for me were dealing with sadness and confusion. I was sad about not having a family and not knowing if I ever would. I was confused about romance and relationships. Am I being too picky? Should I voice my concerns? Do I have to settle? Why isn’t he calling me? I also had to make all of my decisions alone. But those difficulties have now all been eliminated.
That doesn’t mean our lives are pure bliss. There have been moments where we disagreed, had a misunderstanding, or said or did something insensitive. But those experiences have been rare. And they haven’t mounted over time, since we deal with them right away.
We also have life struggles just like everyone else. Uncertainties, financial needs, miscarriage, caretaking for aging parents, busyness…. We just don’t have marriage difficulties in addition to those things, praise the Lord.
What Makes Marriage Hard?
Rather than viewing marriage as either overly rosy or overly bleak, it may help to think about what does make marriage hard.
Me to We
The hardest part about marriage for me is that I am never alone. I seldom have time to decompress or organize my thoughts. I also struggle to maintain friendships like I used to. Phone calls are rare and in-person visits are even rarer.
As a single, I longed for a family to share birthdays and special occasions with. Now, ironically, as a wife and mother, one of the best gifts I could receive is a little alone time!
The transition from “me” to “we,” including loss of independence and flexibility, will be harder for some than others. In my view, these tradeoffs just come with the territory. Marriage has pros and cons, as does singleness. In marriage, however, although I lost my independence, I gained far more.
Parenting
A statement I would 100% agree with is “Parenting is hard.” In fact, I sometimes wonder if that’s what people are referring to when they say “Marriage is hard.”
Psychologist and researcher Dr. John Gottman discovered that the majority of couples experience a decline in marital satisfaction after the birth of their first child. Children have a way of bringing out the worst in us and exposing any undealt-with struggles we have. They also bring a lot of stress, especially in the toddler and teen years. A couple that already has hidden weaknesses in themselves or their marriage will likely see those weaknesses highlighted upon becoming parents.
Unhealthy Marriage
Something else that’s undeniably hard is an unhealthy marriage. In fact, there may be nothing harder. When I imagine what it would be like to be married to a man who doesn’t pitch in to help, who sits in front of the tv every night, who criticizes me, or who works hard but neglects his family, I can see how marriage could be miserable.
A man may shudder to imagine a wife who is controlling or disrespectful. One who tears him down or blames her unhappiness on him. One who undermines him and is unpleasable, always trying to impress others out of her own insecurities.
How much harder are marriages involving abuse, addiction, unrepented sin, or unfaithfulness?
Young Marriage
Another hard, but common, scenario is getting married young. I didn’t know this until it was over, but my brain was still developing until my mid-20s. The prefrontal cortex, the center for rational decision-making, risk assessment, and long-term planning, is the last part to develop. Couples who get married before they’ve had a chance for self-discovery and growth will likely have to do that changing while hitched to another person. Marrying young can certainly have benefits. But I can also see how it would be hard.
A Hard Life
Sometimes life is hard. Things like health crises, untimely deaths, or financial difficulties can arise without notice. They can also affect one partner more than another, which could place a very heavy load on the remaining spouse.
We know a woman whose competent and healthy husband contracted West Nile Virus and became paralyzed and non-responsive. After his diagnosis, she kept him alive on her own for years, caring for him at home around the clock and even buying an ambulance to transport him to doctors’ appointments.
None of us knows what the future holds, but such unknowns are a good reason to focus on choosing the kind of partner you’d want to have in the foxhole with you.
Avoiding a Hard Marriage
I am so grateful the Lord did not allow me to get married in my timing. I would have undoubtedly ended up in a hard marriage, not even realizing a joyous marriage was possible.
But now that I know it is, I encourage singles to prioritize qualities in a partner that truly matter. Someone who has allowed God to grow and transform him, who finds her value and identity in Christ, who relies on God and is selfless, who is committed to working through difficulties together in a peaceable and respectful way. That way, when life is hard or parenting comes or any other difficulties arise, marriage won’t be hard on top of those things. In fact, I would expect marriage to such a person to make life easier, not harder.
May God grant such a marriage to each of you who desires it.
Prayer:
Father, you are the giver of good gifts. Please prepare good marriages for my reader friends. Please bring them godly, selfless spouses whose identities rest in you, the best Husband known to man/woman.
Questions:
What about you? Have you ever heard that marriage is hard? What do you take that to mean? If married, what’s your experience been? If single, what are you expecting in terms of marriage being difficult?
