What kind of job should your prospective husband have? Do you want him to be successful and driven? Blue-collar or white-collar? Maybe he should do what your dad did for a living. Does he have to have a college degree?
As a single, I thought that a man’s occupation was a good source of information about the quality of the man himself. First of all, did he have a job? And second, was it a job that required intelligence, creativity, organization, physical strength, ambition, or none of the above? I suppose that, deep down, what I really wanted to know was, “How will this man treat me if we get married?” (A pertinent and related question, but one that I didn’t really think to ask, should have been, “How will he treat our kids, if any?”) My thinking about men was almost always set to “self-protection mode.”
My Past Relationships
My first boyfriend had recently been laid off from his bank job and was unemployed. That was stressful. He viewed his job search as his full-time job and begrudged any money spent or time taken away from his search—by me. My second boyfriend was a firefighter. That was manly! He was obviously keen on helping people. However, I erroneously assumed that people who entered the “caring professions” like first responder, pastor, counselor, etc. were naturally kind, compassionate, and emotionally healthy. Many may have this leaning, but I also read once that people with unresolved woundedness may be more likely to enter professions where their job is to care for others. My third boyfriend worked as a welder for the city he lived in. Also manly! But he had a hard time holding down a job. My father was a pastor growing up. I could see myself marrying a pastor. Later, when I became a lawyer, I thought marrying another lawyer could be cool. Definitely someone who liked to read and write professionally. Maybe someone with an office job. Basically, someone…just like me.
My Husband’s Work History
Who did I end up marrying? And, my key question, how has that impacted his treatment of me? My husband graduated with a business and marketing degree and worked in sales and real estate for much of his career. He was driven and wanted to climb his way to the top. When what started as party drinking in college continued into adulthood, leading to many undesirable consequences, he finally sought the help of a Christian rehabilitation program for men in Minnesota. He went there first as a resident and eventually started working there, helping hundreds of other men in their struggle with addiction. He ran the house where they all lived, led meetings, took care of maintenance, oversaw security, discipled and counseled men, led fishing and other expeditions, and worked on marketing and development for the ministry. Most of the men looked up to Jason, and even those who were older came to view him as a father-figure.
While there, Jason returned to God and grew much deeper in his walk with him. He learned how to care for people. He shed his drive to make money and be successful and became willing to allow God to guide his steps as he saw fit—to depend on him for direction. In fact, by walking with men as they sought reconciliation with their families, he learned to recognize repeated mistakes some men make that harm relationships. This drove Jason to study God’s design for marriage as laid out in the Bible. Jason attributes much that he learned in preparation for marriage and parenting to his time working with men in recovery, which is what he was doing when we met.
Is that the occupation I would have picked for my future husband? Probably not. I am usually distrustful of people who are good at selling things. And “recovering addict” was definitely not on my list. But would I trade his occupation for anything more appealing in a worldly sense? A doctor or CEO, for example? No way! Here is what I did not understand before experiencing marriage.
No Guarantees
A man’s occupation will not necessarily be an accurate indicator of what marriage to this man will be like. An engineer may make a great husband or a lousy husband. A janitor may make a great husband or a lousy husband. Even a spiritual giant may make a lousy husband. (Read about A.W. Tozer’s or John Wesley’s family lives.) The quality of the man’s family relationships depends more on the man himself than on his occupation.
“Hard worker” at work might not translate to a “hard worker” at home. According to my Man Expert, a lot of men will come home from work thinking, “I’ve worked hard all day. Why should I continue working hard at home?” As another example, someone who’s stayed at his job a long time might not necessarily stay with you a long time. Someone who makes a lot of money and provides well for you may not necessarily provide well for you in intangible ways. He may be so busy earning money that he’s not available to connect with you emotionally.
Deeper Questions
Think about what you’re really trying to figure out. Do you want to know if this man will provide financial security for you and your family? Do you want to know if he’s got good people skills? Are you trying to ensure that he’ll help out around the house? Deep down, are you trying to ensure that positive attributes from your own upbringing are repeated or that negative ones are avoided?
Better Barometers
This article presupposes that the men you’re interested in love God above all else and are kind to you and others. Without those, all other factors are irrelevant. But, if they do, then more pertinent questions than occupation might be:
- What are this man’s views on the division of labor between husband and wife, including domestic affairs, income generation, and parenting responsibilities?
- Is he generous or selfish in how he spends his time, energy, and resources?
- What’s his credit score?
- Is he willing to work on his relationship with you right now, before marriage?
- Would he be willing to sacrifice promotions, prestige, or career advancement, if necessary, to put his family first?
- What kinds of sacrifices has he made now, at the height of his excitement about you, to put you and God first? (If he complains about you monopolizing his time, for example, like my first boyfriend, don’t feel guilty as if you’re in the wrong, like I did. Take this as a warning sign that this man may not be willing to put you or your children first in marriage.)
Life Together
Besides not recognizing what my true concerns were when I daydreamed about my man’s occupation, I also didn’t think realistically about how his occupation might impact his time spent with me. I was drawn to “success,” but I didn’t consider the relational impact. Does he travel a lot? Is he in high demand? Does he work long hours or is he tied to his phone? One study I learned about said that the average couple spends 37 minutes together per day. Thirty-seven minutes! Maybe those visions of going grocery shopping, hand in hand, were not so plausible after all. That’s not to say that every man who is successful and earns a lot of money will be a neglectful husband. Ambition can be a very good and healthy thing. But such men would have to be good at time management and drawing boundaries in addition to showing a commitment to prioritize God and family over work. A single man may not yet have had an opportunity to demonstrate what his priorities are, which is why digging a little deeper into his character may be necessary.
So what is the answer to our opening question? What occupation should your man have? What I would do if I were single again is ask God to pick. I don’t know what occupation my man should have! God knows what I need better than I do. I want his plan. After all, better to be married to a kind and loving man who knows how to depend on God and is an excellent, hands-on husband and father, no matter what his occupation, than to one who has the most masculine, successful, or impressive job on earth but who would not prioritize God and his family when called upon to do so.
Prayer:
Lord, you are so good at creating unique human beings with unique giftings, interests, and experiences. Your work is matchless! You also know who will be the best fit for each of my reader friends. Please display your sovereignty in their lives as they look for the one you’ve chosen for them.
Questions:
Are you like me? Have you thought about what occupation you want your significant other to have? Are there deeper questions you’re really asking? What are they? What did your dad do? Are you drawn to or away from his occupation? Would you be willing to marry someone without a degree or job? Why or why not?
